neljapäev, oktoober 19

Eddie Izzard´i vahepala

Veetsin tänase hommiku Ruthiga Eddie Izzard´i Dressed to Kill´i vaadates. Ma pole tükk aega nii kõvasti naernud. Lihtsalt pidin natuke seda jagama. Ta on transvestiidist `stand-up comedian`

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Yes, and, um, I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. And uh… Oh, yeah. You tell your history, “Damn, man! 30 years old, let’s smash her to the floor and put a car park here!” I have seen it in stories. I saw, you know, something in uh…uh…a program on something in, uh, Miami. And they were saying, “We’ve redecorated this building to how it looked over fifty years ago!” And people were going, “No, surely not, no. No one was alive then.”
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(Eelnevalt räägib Hitlerist...) There were other mass murderers that got away with it! Stalin, killed many millions, died in his bed, well done there. Pol Pot killed 1.7 million Cambodians, died under house arrest, age 72. Well done indeed. And the reason we let it – let them get away with it is because they killed their own people. And we’re sort of fine with that. Ah, help yourself, you know. We’ve been trying to kill you for ages! So kill your own people, ohh, right on there. Seems to be, Hitler killed people next door – awwww… stupid man. After a couple of years, we won’t stand for that, will we?

And I Pol Pot killed 1.7 million people. We can’t even deal with that. I think, you know, we think if – if somebody kills someone, that’s murder, you go to prison. You kill 10 people, you go to Texas, they hit you with a brick, that’s what they do. Twenty people, you go to a hospital, they look through a small window at you forever. And over that, we can’t deal with it, you know? Someone’s killed 100,000 people. We’re almost going, “…Well done! You killed 100,000 people? Ahhh. You must get up very early in the morning. I can’t even get down the gin! Your diary must look odd. Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, lunch…death, death, death afternoon tea…death, death, death, quick shower.” You know. So, uh, so I suppose we’re glad that Pol Pot’s under house arrest – you know, 1.7 million people. At least he – we know where he is – under house arrest. Just don’t go in that fucking house, you know?

So, and – and Pol Pot was a history teacher. And Hitler was a, you know, vegetarian/painter. So…mass-murderers come from the areas you least expect it. I don’t know how the flip comes over, but it happens.

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So, yeah. So there was a lot of that, and we built up empires – we stole countries! That’s what you do – that’s how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Yeah. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. “I claim India for Britain!” They go, “You can’t claim us – we live here! Five hundred million of us!” “Do you have a flag?” “We don’t need a bloody flag! We – it’s our country, you bastards!” “No flag, no country – you can’t have one. That’s the rules that – I’ve just made up. And I’m backing it up with this gun that was lent from the N – National Rifle Association.” That was it. You know.
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And Italy invented fascism in 1922 – Mussolini said, “Right, we’re all fascists!” but, most Italian people are always on scooters going, “Ciao…” And they’re into football and life and they’re not fascists, you know – you say, “We’re all fascists!” “Uhhh, all right, ciao…” No helmet on, nnnnnn. All those 50s films like Roman Holiday. It’s just like that. Everyone’s just cool and hangs out.
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Everyone fucking lies! We were – when we were kids we lied our heads off! “I didn’t do it! I was – I wasn’t – I was dead at the time! I was on the moon! With Steve!” And your dad’s going, “I haven’t even accused you of anything yet.” “Oh, all right. Well – what is – what’s the que – well – I – I – well – what?” “Did you brush your teeth?” “No – yes – whi – what’s correct? Anywa – yeah. I was dead at the time!” Then when you’re more mature, you do start telling the truth in odd situations. “I’m sorry, I’ve broken the glass, see – I’ve broken this – is that a – an – expensive? – I’ve – I’ll – I’ve broke it – I’ll pay for that, I’m sorry.” And you do that so people in the room might go, “What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities.” “And I’ve broke other things, I smashed that, and…and that’s gone, and I’ve just thrown the cat out the window and…”

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For 18 years we had a government in Britain who was a right-wing government and their policy towards Europe was one of “No! No! No! I can’t! - No, I can´t hear you - Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala! Lalalalala!” And now we’ve got a government whose policy is more. “Bonjour! Hola! Tag! Da! Bong bang baa! Bong bang baa! Buhhh. Ciao!”
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Then Henry VIII came along, Henry VIII, a big hairy king, ummm, and uhh, he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church, “Mr. Pope! I’m going to marry my first wife, and then I’m going to divorce her. Now, I know what you’re going to say but stick with me – my story gets better. I’m going to marry my second wife and then I’m gong to kill her – cut her head off! Ahhhh, not expecting that, are ya? Hahaha! Third wife, gonna shoot her. Fourth wife, put her into a bag. Fifth wife, into outer space. Sixth wife, on a Rotissimat. Seventh wife, made out of jam. Eighth wife – hoooa, hooo – ” And the Pope’s going, “You crazy bugger! You can’t do all this! What are you, a Mormon? You can’t marry all these people! It’s illegal! You can’t do all thi – I am the Pope, I am the head of the church, I have to keep up st – ciao… I have to be respect… What have you been reading, the gospel according to St. Bastard?” So Henry VIII, who was, uh, Sean Connery for this film: “Well then, I will shet up a new religion in thish country. I will sh – I will shet up – the – g – uh – the, uh, religion – the Pshychotic Bashtard religion.” And an advisor said, “Why not call it Church of England, shall we?” “Ch – Church of England!” “Yes sir, much better.” “Even though I am Shcottish myshelf.”
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But it – back in the 60s, though, back in the 60s, President Kennedy became the President of the United States of America. And uh, and he we – he went to Berlin. Went – stood on the Berlin wall and he said, “People of Berlin…” “[bad Kennedy impersonation] People of Berlin.” I can’t do an impression of President Kennedy so this is… “People of Berlin. Amy dumped – ” No, James Mason playing uh, um… “People of Berlin, I have come to you to tell you something about the American states – what is – I – I sound a bit God, don’t I? But I have come to say to you that every free citizen of the world is a citizen of Berlin. And I wish to say to you, ‘Ich bin ein Berliner.’ ” And the crowd went fucking wild.

Trouble is, “Ich bin ein Berliner” means “I am a donut,” and uhh… This is true, and this is what he said, he said “I am a donut!” And, as I say, 70% of how you look, 20% of how you sound, only 10% is what you say. He said “I am a donut” and they went *wild*! You know. Because “Ich bin Berliner” is “I am a Berliner.” But “Ich bin *ein* Berliner,” is – that’s the name of a donut they have there. And it’s like going to Frankfurt – “I am a Frankfurter!” “Yeah, we’ve heard about that one, Jackie.” Hamburg – “I am a Hamburger, too!” It – lucky he didn’t do a tour of Germany, heh. “I am a Hamburger, a Frankfurter, and a donut.”

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posted by Kati @ 2:35 PM

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